


I Am Become Death

by asongstress1422



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Blood, Canon Universe, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Fear, Sad, Sleep, scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-22 07:11:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8277236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asongstress1422/pseuds/asongstress1422
Summary: In Clarke's dreams she is downing in blood.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Not happy.
> 
> Written for round 1 of the @bellarkefanficfest using the prompts: self-loathing, scream, loss.

_Clarke stood in darkness._

_Before and behind her there was nothing, just a solid void of black. Cautiously she went forward not knowing exactly where she was but knowing she needed to leave quickly._

_Thinking she heard something behind her, an echoing drip, she turned. Nothing. With a frown she faced forward._

_And flinched when she saw Finn’s face peering out of the darkness. He stared at her, eyes burning and accusatory. He opened his mouth and screamed. Hundreds of voices joined with his, crying out in pain, fear, anger; all overlapping but each distinct._

_Atom, Wells, Charlotte. The little grounder girl she couldn’t save. The man she sliced the throat of right after. The war party she gave the okay to be scorched. The woman she got shot and the man she shot. The bunker she condemned to suffocate from radiation. Hundreds of nameless faces flashing and blending into a nightmare._

_Blood poured from their mouth, drenching Finn’s shirt and spilling to the ground._

_She looked down to see her hand holding the knife, her hand pulling the lever and the trigger; her hands not strong enough, fast enough, not skilled enough to change any of it. Watching as their life faded out._

_Blood dripped from her hands pouring down to join the pool at her feet. Lapping at her ankles, sloshing at her knees, her thighs, her waist. It just kept growing deeper._

_She threw her hands out into the darkness, reaching, praying she’d find something to grab onto, to pull herself out of all the blood before she drowned._

_Knowing that there was nothing there._

_Knowing that she didn’t deserve anything to be there._

_Knowing she was about to die just like all those people she killed._

_Still she reached futilely_ ….

...and felt the warmth and strength of a human back.

Her eyes popped open. The void was gone. The ocean of blood gone. Instead a gray t-shirt spread across broad shoulders filled her vision.

Bellamy.

She folded herself against that back, ruthlessly controlling her panicked breathing as her heart continued to pump adrenaline through her body as the tears came. Quietly. One didn’t bring attention to weakness. But god, it hurt. The look in Finn’s eyes, though her own imagining, would haunt her for the rest of her life. She still felt the blood on her body, the warmth and weight of it almost sending her into another panic. She had to get that feeling off her skin.

Quietly so not to disturb her partner she slipped from the bed. He didn’t deserve to be woken for her nightmares when he had ones of his own. Ones she had a hand in creating. Another life she ruined in the quest of survival.

She did not want to deal with the guards, she didn't want to deal with anyone, so instead of using the gate she squeezed through the thinner tangle of branches on the west wall where construction was beginning on expansion. Practiced instinct had her scanning the trees for danger though she really didn't care, the river was calling for her.

The moonlight that had turned the forest into haunted shadows illuminated the water to black glass that rolling and sparkling in its glow. Never pausing she waded right in, peeling her shirt off as she went. The soaked shoes she chucked back to the shore and fought to tear the water logged pants off. Losing her balance she fell face first into the water before finally managing to kick them off.

The water was so cold is stole her breath and immediately set her teeth to chattering.

And still she felt the thick, burning weight of the blood. Grabbing great handfuls of gravel from the river bed she began to scrub at her skin. The tears came again, this time accompanied by violent sobs she was to lost to try and choke back.

For a while she raged in the river. Slowly, as the cold leached the strength from her body, she quieted. Waist deep she looked out over the rippling water. Little cuts covered her body where sharp stones had met and torn skin. A few of them bled. But she didn’t feel any of it, just stood there as her mind played her exhausted, numb body the dream over and over again, adding more and more of the living to her kill count.

Murphy... Raven… Jasper...

“Clarke?”

She startled at the voice, hearing her name brake the silence almost physically painful. Knowing who was there she turned to look at the shore anyway. “What are you doing here?”

Bellamy rubbed a tired hand through his hair. “I woke up and you weren’t there. I was going to check medical when Josef stopped me. He saw you slip through the wall.” He gave a dry look at her slight frown. “I’ve been over every inch of that wall and I know where defenses are thin. Did you really believe I just wouldn’t place a guard there because it was going to be down only for a couple of days.” There was a beat of silence as he looked her over, noting the bloody gashes across her white skin. “Why are _you_ out here Clarke?”

“I-” came to wash the feeling of blood off my body. Some how she couldn't bring herself to say it out loud. Instead she looked back out over the water. “I had a dream.”

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you thought. All commits are greatly appreciated.


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